Me: "Duh? Yeah! Why shouldn't I?"
R: "Oh, I thought you don't want to do that, now that there might be some personal clashes between you too."
Me: "True, there are. But, why I should let that affect our work?"
R: "Now, you're a promising businesswoman."
Me: "I AM a businesswoman :P"
That was a conversation with one of my friends about a year ago. With so many ups and downs going on, I remembered this excerpt as if we had that talk yesterday. Am I a promising businesswoman to-be like my friend implied? Or, am I turning into a heartless work machine?
I was just checking some photos of Alexandria I found on Facebook. Shots of old Alexandrian buildings, authentic restaurants and cafes and some of favorite streets. As enchanted as I was by such beautiful depiction of the magical city, I got a weird feeling of sorrow, bitterness and nostalgia.
"When was the last time I roamed around the old city?" I thought. Then, it occurred to me that it's been ages since I last did any of those sweet little things that made me truly happy. Walking aimlessly all day long, discovering new routes, shooting marvelous buildings, eating anything we could spot and laughing as if we were children... Yes, that was my life about 4 years ago. When, I totally cared about nothing. I talked too much, looked too dull but felt very cheerful with my pale innocent face bejeweled with corky braces and a shy smile. For hours, my friends and I stayed at that little Brazilian Coffee Shop in Salah Salem street, at a very uncomfortable table or even on very high stools at this little bar which left us no personal space when we wanted to have "girl talks". I met many interesting people; poets, singers, musicians, directors..., etc, most of which were excitingly disturbed human beings but who taught many things that I never knew before. For hours, we would gossip about every single creature we know, talk about guys whom, according to us back then, were absolute ass-holes. Then, we start giving one another our own pieces of twisted immature advice.
Well, yea, if it had not been for some stupid pieces of advice and some silly choices, I would not be laughing right now! But, it's not that carefree laugh anymore. There is always something on my mind. There is always something better to do. Like, right now, when I should be pouring out my ideas, I'm thinking about those emails I should be sending. It's been three years since I had any of favorite walks in downtown Alexandria. Instead, I go to the classiest places uptown where I always try to look my best to impress people I don't give a toss about. While looking at one of my old photos, I just could not believe that I would get shot without any blemish of makeup on. "Oh God, I looked hideous," I said.
Now, I have to think in advance about my outfit, accessories, makeup look and perfume I should be wearing. "Will this lipstick be too dark? Are these shoes perfect for walking or do I need to wear flats?" These are some of my silly ideas I think of on a regular basis nowadays.
"You're becoming a woman," mom said once when I revealed my concerns to her.
Maybe! But apart from that eggshell I'm hiding myself behind, I'm like a machine. On the good side, I don't have to put up with any source of annoyance anymore. I don't make excuses for people, don't expect much, and don't get upset unless I get provoked. That would be growing up. But, I guess that since most of us always look at that empty half, I keep on looking back for that childish girl I once was.
At so many points, I just want to press the "Pause" button and say a big "SCREW YOU" to the whole world. This morning, I had this strong urge to run out of the office, and go sit by the sea. But, then I remembered that I have to stay to impress my boss, at least till I pay my credit card dues, save money for this and that. I've become stuck in that dull adulthood life.
In other words, I'm FUCKED just like everyone else.
