الله يرحمك يا أغلى الناس

القاهرة، 12 أبريل 2014 (الساعة 3:30 مساء)

"نهى، هي مي سليم ماتت؟"

"نعم؟؟؟؟"

"أيوة أنا سمعت الخبر ده وقلت اتأكد منك"

"الخبر شكله صح يا كريم.... إنا لله وإنا إليه راجعون"

(الساعة 4:00 مساء)

"إسلام، مي سليم ماتت يا إسلام"

"مي سليم مين؟ المغنية؟"

"يا ابني مي سليم، اللي كانت معاك في الكلية"

"ابعتيلي البروفايل بتاعها... مي بتاعت حقوق؟؟؟"

"أيوة هي."

"يا خبر أسود... ربنا يرحمها"

(الساعة 5:30 مساء)

رسالة نصية:

"مي سليم يا نهى... سامحيها يا نهى وادعيلها"

*بكاء هستيري*

----------------------------

كنا في سبتمبر 2009 تقريباً لما رحت أعمل interview  في مكتبة إسكندرية عشان أشترك في الAIMUN. يومها رحت واكتشفت لما قابلت واحد من صحابي كان هناك إن النشاط AIMAL أي نموذج محاكاة جامعة الدول العربية... يومها وقفت مذهولة ولا أعرف هقول ايه ولا أجاوب ايه لما يسألوني... وبمعجزة عديت المقابلة ونجحت ودخلت النموذج كواحدة من اللجنة الأكاديمية. كلموني عشان أروح أول meeting  وكنت عارفة إني زي الأطرش في الزفة أو زي اللي داير في ساقية ميعرفش آخرته ايه. المهم رحت في مكان غريب في بحري واتعرفت ع الناس. كان في حوالي 7 أو 8 ولاد وأنا وبنوتة تانية قاعدة قدامي لفتت نظري بصوتها العالي وضحكتها وحيويتها... مي سليم!

مي وباختصار شديد من الناس اللي عمرك ما تعرف تتجاهلهم، يعني أول ما كانت تدخل مكان، هتلفت نظرك سواء بشكلها، أو لبسها أو صوتها أو ضحكتها اللي لسة بترن في وداني. أول ما شفتها مكنتش عارفة أتعامل معاها إزاي.. بطبيعتي بخاف لما ألاقي حد قدامي واثق قوي كدة من نفسه. بس مي مكانتش متكبرة ولا مغرورة، بالعكس رحبت بيا جداً بعد ما الاجتماع خلص، وروّحنا سوا... كانت أول مرة أركب فيها الأوتوبيس الأحمر اللي بيمشي ع البحر.. بالرغم من إنه كان مشوار واجتماع ملوش لازمة بالنسبة لي، إنما يومها عرفت صديقة غيرت كتير فيا وفي ناس كتير حواليها....

وعدت الأيام وخلعت من النموذج إياه إنما علاقتي بمي استمرت بشكل أنا لحد دلوقتي مستغربة له، يمكن كنت وقتها منفتحة أكتر أو يمكن مي هي اللي عرفت تقرب مني بذكائها. وبسرعة فظيعة بقينا من أقرب الأصدقاء بالرغم من إن ناس كتير حوالينا كانوا بينتقدونا.... اللي يقولي "مي دي مش زيك" واللي يقولها "ايه اللي ممشيكي مع البت النفخ دي"

كنا فعلاً تركيبة غريبة، حتى كانت دايماً بتقولي "نهى، إنتي صامتة وقامطة".... زمان كنت بأخد الكلام بضحك إنما من جوايا كنت بحسدها على براءتها وروحها الحلوة اللي كانت بتحاول بيها إنها دايماً تنسى المواقف اللي اتعرضت لها من ناس كتير كانوا صحابها... قربنا من بعض وحكينا لبعض على حاجات كتير متلخبطة، بس كان فيه بينا تفاهم غريب..

فاكرة لما حكيت لها عن أول إعجاب في حياتي وإزاي حذرتني ووقفت جنبي وشجعتني إني أبقى أقوى

فاكرة لما أخدتني ورحنا البن البرازيلي في صلاح سالم وقعدنا ع البار اللي هناك والراجل مدير الكافيه كان بيتسهوك علينا واحنا فطسانين على روحنا من الضحك...

فاكرة لما عدينا من قدام فندق سيسل في محطة الرمل وقالتلي وكلها ثقة "إن شاء الله يا hunnie bunnie  لما أشتغل، هعزمك على تشاينا هاوس اللي هنا"....

فاكرة لما رحنا نحضر عرض أفلام قصيرة في مكتبة إسكندرية وقعدنا خمس دقايق بالضبط مش فاهمين حاجة من الفيلم اللي كان مغربي تقريباً وقعدنا نضحك وسيبنا المكان بعد ما الناس كانت هتشتمنا...

فاكرة لما جت وقالتلي "نهى هوديكي مكان عمرك ما شفتيه"، ورحنا حلويات مصر في شارع سعد زغلول ونزلتني الدور اللي تحت... مكتن كان غريب بس جميل وكل ما أعدي قدامه أفتكرها...

فاكرة لما أخدتها ماكدونالدز ستانلي نتفرج على نهائي كأس أفريقيا 2010 وبعد ما اطمنا إن مصر كسبت، هربنا على طول، كل واحدة على بيتها قبل ما الشوارع تتزحم بالمشجعين وتبقى فوضى...

فاكرة لما قالتلي "أنا واحدة صاحبة ماما جايبالي عريس في دبي، بس أنا مش عايزة أتجوز دلوقتي يا نهى... قلت لماما عليكي.. انتي تستحقي بني آدم كويس زيك"....

وفاكرة برده الأيام السودا اللي بعدنا فيها عن بعض وإني بدل ما أواجهك ونحاول نتصالح ونشوف الغلط فين، انقطعت عنك وسبتك... قد ايه كان الواحد ضعيف وجبان وغبي....

وبعدها بسنة، بعتيلي رسالة ورديت عليكي والموضوع وقف لحد كدة.... ليه مستمرناش يا مي؟ كان كبر ولا غرور ولا اتنين صحاب اتكتبلهم إنهم بفترقوا وتبقى دي النهاية؟

أنا سامحتك من زمان وعارفة إنك سامحتيني برده.. قلبي بيقولي كدة... عارفة لما الناس عرفوا بخبر موتك وبعتولي أول واحدة يسألوني عشان يتأكدوا.. اتكسفت من نفسي قوي وحسيت إني قصرت في حقك يعني مش بس هموت من جوايا على فراقك وإني مش هشوفك تاني ولا أسمع ضحكتك الحلوة... لأ عشان كمان أثرت في حقك

مكنتش متخيلة إني هزعل على فراق حد بعد أبويا... إنما دلوقتي حاسة إن بموت من أول وجديد...

عارفة إن في ناس نعرفها ممكن تتضايق من الكلام اللي كاتباه... يلعن أبوهم كلهم ولا ميلعنش.. الله أعلم مين فينا مفارق ومين فينا هيتعذب بفراق حد تاني بيحبه من بعيد لبعيد زي قصتنا يا صديقتي...

لحد وقت قريب عمالة أقول لنفسي أنا ايه اللي خلاني أروح اليوم بتاع بحري ده.. مفيش علاقة من اللي عملتهم يومها استمرت... بس دلوقتي عرفت حكمة ربنا... المكسب الوحيد للمشوار القصير ده كنتي انتي..

في حياتك علمتي ناس حاجات كتير وبرده لما ربنا رحمك وأخدك عنده علمتي الناس حاجات أكتر بفراقك

آه يا مي لو شفتي الناس الغبية اللي زي حالاتي وهما بيندموا على إنهم مصالحوكيش أو كلموكي، كان زمانك دلوقتي قاعدة معايا تضحكي وتقولي "شفتي ولاد ايه؟ دلوقتي عارفين قيمتي؟"

والله حاسة إن ده مقلب من بتوعك بتشوفي بيه غلاوتك عندنا وهترجعي تاني تملي حياة اللي حواليكي دوشة من بتاعتك دي...

الله يرحمك يا حبيبتي ويغفر لك ويسامحك

I Talk Music

When I can't find the right words to express how I really feel or what I actually want, I relate to music. It's always been there when no one was around. It patted me when I was emotionally needy, lifted me up when laziness entangled me and shocked me when I was "Comfortably Numb"...

لأ.... مش هلم الدور! 1

من فترة واحدة صاحبتي لقيتها بتقولي "نهى، هدي الجو ع الفيسبوك شوية". مكنتش فاهمة قصدها فطلبت منها إنها تشرح وجهة نظرها شوية، فاجأتني بالرد التالي: "الولاد مش بيحبوا البنات اللي دايماً بيعلقوا ع الأحداث أو البنات اللي بينتقدوا أي حاجة وانتي كل اللي بتكتبيه يخلي اللي قدامك يحس إنك intimidating  وانتي مش كدة أصلاً في الحقيقة، فهدي الجو شوية."

معجبنيش الكلام بصراحة وكنت هدخل في جدال من نوع آخر زي "اللي هيحكم عليا من اللي بكتبه ع الفيسبوك يبقى سطحي" أو إني "مش لازم أمثل وأرسم شخصية مش شخصيتي عشان أعجب حد معين وبعد ما نتدبس احنا الاتنين ونرتبط تبقى واقعة سودا لما كل واحد فينا يكتشف حقيقة التاني" أو "ليه أحط في دماغي قبل ما أكتب أي كلمة، مين هيقراها أو هيقول عني ايه"... بس قلت أحتفظ بكلامي لنفسي وقتها عشان مش طالبة وجع دماغ، ابتسمت ورديت على صاحبتي اللي أكيد يهمها مصلحتي برغم اختلاف وجهات نظرنا.

هديت الجو فعلاً شوية وقلت يمكن أنا بقيت متشائمة بشكل كبير وفعلاً خفيت من حدة انتقاداتي شوية. المهم لقيت status عن تبادل الأدوار بين أي زوجين في مصر وإن الرجالة المفروض يقدروا شوية ويساعدوا الستات في شغل البيت أو حتى في تربية الأطفال. المفاجأة اللوزعية بقى إني ألاقي أكتر من 5 بنات "أصدقائي" باعتينلي في نفس ذات اللحظة إني أشيل اللي مكتوب (مع العلم إن كل اللي كتبته مفيهوش شتيمة أو قلة حياء من أي نوع).

الحجة بقى اللي سمعتها "إن في ستات كتير عايشين وصابرين وإن الكلام ده ممكن يخرب بيوت كتير"... يمكن الكلام كان بصيغة مش جاد قوي، بس المصيبة إن فيه عائلات كتير ماشيين بنفس المبدأ ده بقالها سنين، والنتايج مش مبهرة يعني، نسب مشاكل اجتماعية وعنف أسري وطلاق بتزيد كل يوم. طب ده اللي بنشوفه اليومين دول، طب الناس اللي مستحملة وجاية على نفسها عشان "الدنيا تمشي" و"نحافظ على البيت والعيال يتربوا بدل ما يتبهدلوا".... ده على أساس إنهم مش بيتبهدلوا لما بيعيشوا في بيئة مريضة، طرف واحد بس هو اللي شايل المسئولية والتاني مش بيعمل حاجة غير إنه ماكينة فلوس (ده لو فعلاً بيصرف ع البيت ومش عايش على مرتب مراته).

مش قصدي إن كل الستات ملايكة، بس عدد الستات اللي بيتبهدلوا كل يوم أكتر بكتير من الرجالة. طيب بلاش كدة عشان محدش يقول إني بعمم ومش بشوف ناس كتير، طيب أنا هحكم من اللي بشوفه بيحصل مع صحابي وقرايبي.

البنت من دول تفضل تحلم بالبيت والعيلة والأولاد وأول ما عريس كويس عنده شقة وشغلانة كويسة ومن عيلة "شكلها محترم" (آه بقول شكلها، عشان مش مقتنعة إنك تقدر تحكم على عيلة إذا كانت محترمة أو لأ غير لما تعاشرهم)

توافق عليه ويتخطبوا، وشهرين حب وغرام وفجأة تبتدي تجهيزات الشقة والفرح. طبعاً اللي يقولك فترة الخطوبة دي فترة تعارف، يبقى مش فاهم حاجة.. لما العرسان يقضوا معظم وقتهم في اللف على محلات السيراميك والأجهزة الكهربائية ويتناقشوا في لون أوضة النوم، يبقى أكيد مش بيبقى عندهم وقت مناسب إنهم يعرفوا بعض كويس.

ما علينا....

تفضل البنت من دول تشتري اللانجيري المحترم وتسأل صحابها عن بدلة الرقص وإذا كان ليها لازمة أو لأ.. وطبعاً البنات متتوصاش، كله ينزل بالفتاوى المتينة. "أيوة، طبعاً البدلة مهمة قوي والcostumes  كمان، ومتنسيش تعملي شعرك كيراتين والحمام المغربي ده مهم جداً....." كأن البنت لازم تعمل اللي ما يتعمل عشان الباشا يلاقيها هيفا وهبي.

ما علينا برضه.....

العريس المأسوف على شبابه على الجانب الآخر، بيقضي الفترة دي في تجهيز الشقة وخلاص، وغالباً أهله هما اللي بيتكفلوا بالمصاريف، زيه زي العروسة بالضبط... الاتنين داخلين بشنطة هدومهم والأهالي قايمة بالواجب عشان "يفرحوا بالعيال ويشوفوا أحفادهم قبل ما يموتوا". طبعاً الشاب مش بيهتم بطبيعته بالمظهر أو بشكله، عشان احنا اتربينا إن الراجل ميعيبوش "غير جيبه" وإن الست هي اللي لازم اللي تأخد بالها من شكلها ولبسها وجسمها، كأن كائن المرأة ده ملوش نفس برضه ولازم يشوف واحد شكله حلو برضه.

هكمل بعدين عشان ايدي وجعتني من الكتابة!

Reflections

R: "Are you still gonna work with him?"
Me: "Duh? Yeah! Why shouldn't I?"
R: "Oh, I thought you don't want to do that, now that there might be some personal clashes between you too."
Me: "True, there are. But, why I should let that affect our work?"
R: "Now, you're a promising businesswoman."
Me: "I AM a businesswoman :P"

That was a conversation with one of my friends about a year ago. With so many ups and downs going on, I remembered this excerpt as if we had that talk yesterday. Am I a promising businesswoman to-be like my friend implied? Or, am I turning into a heartless work machine?

I was just checking some photos of Alexandria I found on Facebook. Shots of old Alexandrian buildings, authentic restaurants and cafes and some of favorite streets. As enchanted as I was by such beautiful depiction of the magical city, I got a weird feeling of sorrow, bitterness and nostalgia.

"When was the last time I roamed around the old city?" I thought. Then, it occurred to me that it's been ages since I last did any of those sweet little things that made me truly happy. Walking aimlessly all day long, discovering new routes, shooting marvelous buildings, eating anything we could spot and laughing as if we were children... Yes, that was my life about 4 years ago. When, I totally cared about nothing. I talked too much, looked too dull but felt very cheerful with my pale innocent face bejeweled with corky braces and a shy smile. For hours, my friends and I stayed at that little Brazilian Coffee Shop in Salah Salem street, at a very uncomfortable table or even on very high stools at this little bar which left us no personal space when we wanted to have "girl talks". I met many interesting people; poets, singers, musicians, directors..., etc, most of which were excitingly disturbed human beings but who taught many things that I never knew before. For hours, we would gossip about every single creature we know, talk about guys whom, according to us back then, were absolute ass-holes. Then, we start giving one another our own pieces of twisted immature advice.

Well, yea, if it had not been for some stupid pieces of advice and some silly choices, I would not be laughing right now! But, it's not that carefree laugh anymore. There is always something on my mind. There is always something better to do. Like, right now, when I should be pouring out my ideas, I'm thinking about those emails I should be sending. It's been three years since I had any of favorite walks in downtown Alexandria. Instead, I go to the classiest places uptown where I always try to look my best to impress people I don't give a toss about. While looking at one of my old photos, I just could not believe that I would get shot without any blemish of makeup on. "Oh God, I looked hideous," I said.

Now, I have to think in advance about my outfit, accessories, makeup look and perfume I should be wearing. "Will this lipstick be too dark? Are these shoes perfect for walking or do I need to wear flats?" These are some of my silly ideas I think of on a regular basis nowadays.

"You're becoming a woman," mom said once when I revealed my concerns to her.

Maybe! But apart from that eggshell I'm hiding myself behind, I'm like a machine. On the good side, I don't have to put up with any source of annoyance anymore. I don't make excuses for people, don't expect much, and don't get upset unless I get provoked. That would be growing up. But, I guess that since most of us always look at that empty half, I keep on looking back for that childish girl I once was.

At so many points, I just want to press the "Pause" button and say a big "SCREW YOU" to the whole world. This morning, I had this strong urge to run out of the office, and go sit by the sea. But, then I remembered that I have to stay to impress my boss, at least till I pay my credit card dues, save money for this and that. I've become stuck in that dull adulthood life.

In other words, I'm FUCKED just like everyone else.

A Little Secret

One of my close friends with whom I usually share my dilemmas has given me the best piece of advice.

Every time I tell him about this thing or that person, he is always calm with a very confident attitude. Then, he spitted it out loud at last, saying:

Deal with whatever it is that bothers you like a princess. You ARE a princess, but you don't know that being super busy with being angry. Just bear that in mind and behave in this way. 

:)

On Love & Marriage

A couple of days ago, an old acquaintance of my family, who has not been in touch with us for years, has surfaced all of a sudden just to check out on us. Despite my young age, I've learnt that not so many people nowadays get in touch with you all of a sudden for noble reasons. They either want a favor or just try to see how life has been treating you. If you've become better off than before, or if you've had your share of misfortunes. In either cases, you're just a gossip-material. In either cases, you will be subjected to endless comparisons and questionings, and it's all out of curiosity. Love, kindness and friendship? They are all good values which are gradually losing their meanings in this highly-materialistic society.

Mom started reciting the conversation she had with that old acquaintance. Bored as I have always been, I was not paying much attention. Pretending to listen, staring at the TV screen and nodding as if I was keeping track of everything mom was passionately saying out of excitement or out of sarcastic amusement as she, too, knew the real reasons behind such pop-up calls.

"She asked me about you," mom said. I started to pay attention and give up my "active-listening" act. "What about me?" I answered right away wanting to know how I could be a juicy topic for another simple-minded person. She said "Gawezty el bet?" -(Did you get the girl married?)- mom said bluntly with a sneaky smirk on her face as she knew exactly that such an irrelevant question would push my buttons.

"Bet? I have a name, don't I?" I replied nervously. "Probably, she forgot your name ya Noha!" mom answered and tried to act indifferently innocent. Again, she was pushing more buttons. I took the bait and became more agitated. "Well, how kind of her! She's checking out on a girl whom she does not remember her name just to see if she got married or not. Classy!" I said in addition to many other lecturing stuff that I can barely remember.

As she always knew exactly how to divert my mood, mom swiftly laughed off the whole matter, made fun of the silly woman and convinced me to disregard the nosy questions. But still, I am angry. I have realized, all of a sudden, that no matter how successful I might be, I'd be always regarded as a big flop if I don't get married or at least engaged. This is real success for women in my society. You might be a top-notch CEO in a multinational company, but if you are still single or even divorced, you are a damned failure.

That not-so-nice woman, according to my own perceptions, has not even asked whether I have a good job, enjoying my life or feeling happy. She just asked about my relationship status! On the other hand, when she asked about my brother, she did not check about his matters of the heart. She just said, "Did he graduate yet?" It is no secret to my family or friends that my brother's academics is not his best field of interest. But, the trick here was the gender. A boy, or a man in this context, is judged by his academic success. A girl, no matter how smart, ambitious and successful, is judged by her marital status. According to that woman's, or even the society's, standards, mom has done a really awful job bringing us up. She has a 24-year-old single girl and a 22-year old son who is still a student.

I left mom's room, headed to my laptop and started emailing, texting and tweeting, trying to forget what everyone thinks of me. I was trying to see myself in my true colors not through anyone's shades. What if I get married, have kids and feel completely unloved and unhappy? Would everyone regard me as successful then? What if I get married, have  a dozen of kids, bring them up, end my career and then discover that I have no future of my own? Would everyone care then about my well-being and see me as a great lady? Being a wife and a caring mother is a shameless job. On the contrary, both are very noble jobs. I would personally be absolutely satisfied if I got to manage it all. But, what if I have not met the right person? Shall I risk all the good things in my life that I thankfully have and get into a shaky relationship just to please everyone else according to their not-so-convincing standards? If I am a loser by Egyptian criteria, then I guess I'm a very proud loser.

Jazzy Night

It's been a long while since I last listened to some Jazz music that captivated my soul. Luckily, I stumpled upon Melody Gardot..... she is surreal!

When....

When your worst fears become the reality you can't escape. You have made a lot of excuses for your misfortunes and tried to look at the bright side and convince yourself that things would be better. In the end, disappointment keeps on knocking on your door to grab you back to the ugly truth you didn't want to see.

About....

About those gatherings and endless meaningless meetings at that little cafe where we discussed the most trivial details of our charity events which made us believe that we could actually change the world.

About that long corridor where we sat on its floor for hours waiting for the next lecture doing nothing but listening to boring conversations, but still we felt happy.

About those long walks we had in that alluring street just to grab a book or two from our favorite library back then. They were surely long, but all we cared about was the beautiful scent of those huge trees over there.

About those filthy sneakers we always had on to the extent that we could not walk in heels for so long. We looked shabby, but felt invincible!

About those cheap fragrance testers we used to buy and brag about.

About those window displays that looked so glamorous and out-of-reach.

About that joyful spirit we had.

About that day when we glided over the shaky rocks, took off our shoes and soaked our skinny feet in the deep blue sea. We giggled shamelessly and did not give a toss about the world!

About the future that seemed certain, predictable and purely simple.

About the dreams that were merely innocent.........

Post-Revolution Egypt

So, here we are. Another bloody Friday with its non-stop protests going into vicious circles; everyone seems to know his/her place quite well and play his/her part. For protesters, they are on streets protesting and fighting for a future and a country they have only seen in their dreams. Soldiers and officers are all set with their tear-gas bombs, pistols and tanks. They, too, have been fighting for a long while. A better status, recognition or even power, one cannot tell precisely in such hard blurry times. Politicians and Strategic Experts are all scattered in TV broadcast, on Facebook or even Twitter, pointing fingers and making wonders to show how philosophical and eloquent they can be. Striving for freedom? Still, no one can really tell. Others, millions, are just watching this constant battle that has been going on for almost two years till now. They are just waiting for the end to see who will win over, get the long-awaited throne and become the new Pharaoh. "Why don't they get into the streets too? Are they a bunch of ignorant, coward and dreamless fellas?" You might wonder. Maybe, they all that. Or even worse! They may have been there once, yes, on the streets, fighting for these noble values, but they had to let go and lose hope. They might have had enough with that scene and its backstage dirty games and realized that they, in both cases, are just mere marionettes.

May Truth Prevail!

My Only Source of Pride in 2012

That's my only source of pride in 2012. God knows that there were so many things I wanted to achieve, but I could only make this come true :)

http://sansretouches.com/

Adieu 2012

2012, you won't be missed!

Teenage Wish

One of those moments when I feel like the old girl; a teenage with silly dreams and innocent wishes.

An old French song and soft rhythm can sum it all up..... No fuss, no complexities... just pure simple and honest love :) I dunno what's with my passion for French songs but they just make everything appear so surreal and serene. It makes me visualize a whole different era, where lovers used to write letters, people appeared to be careless and free and things seemed easy.

Back to Back

Today, I will vote against the so-called constitution, hoping that most Egyptians will do the same. It's almost 2 years now after Jan 25th. Back then, I was filled with terror, fear of the unknown, pride and absolute courage. I have not participated in the protests as my family won't let me, but watching the events so closely, I was amazed by what young people can do.

After two years, all of my emotions have swept away except of terror. I remember on February 12th 2011, I wrote on Facebook saying "begad te3ebt men kotr el tafkeer :S Euff!". A Lebanese acquaintance, whom I could not stand for so many reasons, asked bluntly "What's wrong? You should be celebrating?" referring to the fact that I should be happy that Mubarak was toppled. Feeling totally upset that a "non-Egyptian" was telling me about how I should feel just because she thought she knew it all about a country that she visits once or twice a year for mere fun, I was so harsh on her and explained that we all should be cautious of what's ahead of us and that we should not let our emotions and joy distract us from the things we want for our country.

Smart as she was, she felt the disdain in my comments, so she ended up saying; "Poor you, you are just not used to change." I could have ignored her "simple" comment, but I pushed it again saying:

"If by constant changes, u mean having police, and militia wandering the streets and protecting people and taking over policemen's roles, I guess u r right. We r not used to this. Coz we r used to stability. Even if, u don't regard such previous stability as a real one, coz of the despotic regime that used to prevail, i can argue that at least the down-trodden classes had the privilege of wandering the streets trying to earn a living."

She didn't reply back. But, now, when I remember that conversation, it feels totally weird. On the one hand, my acquaintance was right about the fact that Egyptians were not used to change and I was right too about my fears. However, I guess that I owe someone an apology or is it that "we" as Egyptians owe ourselves an apology when we just could not protect something precious like the revolution. 

In the past two years, many storms have swept away Egypt and everyone's life here. My ideas are random and unorganized, but I'm just sad about what's happening now with Egyptians more than ready to kill fellow Egyptians who just disagree with their opinions.

May God bless this country!

Top of Form

Just for the Record

For so long, I wanted to reach this point and finally I got what I want and deserve. I’m happy, satisfies and serene. All that hocus pocus and contemplations about not getting what I want or who I want is finally OVER. I’m saying it out loud not as a trial to silence the doubts inside of me. On the contrary, I’m documenting this as a reminder in case I triple again to the big black hole of sadness and boredom.

Finally, it occurred to me that it doesn’t matter having what or who you want as long as you have what you need. For so long, I have been wondering whether I was good enough for someone, for some job or for some better socioeconomic status, and I have been missing the whole point! It’s not that I wasn’t good enough; actually it was the other way round. Some people and things are too small for my aspirations which I may seem to forget sometimes.

Thank you God for You have always chosen the right path for me. 

أحيه!

امبارح حد كان بيحكيلي عن تجربة عاطفية مر بيها، مش عارفة ايه خلاه يحكيلي بس ما علينا! بعد ما سمعت الحكاية مقدرتش أبطل ضحك وبكل تلقائية لقتني عمالة أضحك قدامه لحد ما الولد اتحرج تقريباً....

يمكن ضميري أنبني بعد كدة لما ضحكت وكسفته بس الموضوع بيفكرني بنفسي أيام المراهقة اللي مكانتش من بعيد قوي :D المهم قولت له رأيي كالعادة بكل صراحة.... ومتأكدة من إني وجعته بكلامي بس أعمل ايه مش قصدي :) بس ساعات تحب الناس يفوقوا من أوهام عايشين ومعذبين نفسهم بيها.

المهم وبعيد عن الضحك الهستيري بتاع امبارح، قعدت افكر كدة بهدوء وقلت "أحيييه" 

هي الناس في مصر وصلت للمرحلة دي إزاي؟ مش بس طايشين وتلاقي علاقات بتبتدي في 5 دقايق وتخلص في دقيقة واتنين كانوا ولهانين وفجأة بيلعنوا في بعض.... لأ الرجالة بقوا Cool قوي.... والبنات بقوا Much Cooler

يا دي النيلة... مش هعرف أكمل النوت المعفرتة عشان لو صديقي اياه قراها حيزعل قوي

هما كلمتين كانوا خانقني وكنت عايزة أقولهم!

Me in 40!

Just had this crazy thought about how I will look like when I reach the big 40! I don't know whether I will make it to that age or not, but the idea is just too juicy for me. That's 16 years from now. Wow! That's a long time to go, right? Many things seem uncertain these days; my job, my friendships, my relationships.... Hmm, I won't let this disappoint me.

Here are two scenarios:

First: I will grow older with a nice husband with gorgeous children and my career won't be so prosperous, but I will be happy or so I'd like to believe. I will travel all around the world with him, meet new people, try new stuff and take infinite number of photos. I will tell my kids about their mom used to be and allow them to as many exotic experiences as possible.

Second: I will grow older on my own and will keep on my activities and trials to create a business on my own. Who knows? I might become a top notch entrepreneur-ess after all. I guess I will be a bit frustrated that I ended up without a family of my own, but by then I will try looking for the bright side.

Two distinct scenarios and I refuse to think of other stories!

Hmm, I know for sure that when I'm 40 and re read that post, millions of things that have not crossed my mind right now will happen and shake my world and alter my fragile scenarios. 16 years ago, I lived in a total different place, had different old friends whom I hardly remember, had a baby crush on my hunky teenage neighbor and was surrounded by so many people whom I truly miss.

Now, I'm 24. Let's see what I have become to. I have dozens of "friends" but can only trust a few, surrounded by a handful of people for whom I pray everyday asking God not to make them leave, have a somewhat good job, go to the best places in town yet always feel that something or someone is missing....etc.

If you had asked that little 8- year old girl about how she would be when she is 24? She would have had a completely different scenario.

We only tend to write our own scenarios, but God has always some better plans for us.

If I want to be certain about anything, I would hope that I keep on dancing my way through life, have the guts to say what I think and believe in, keep on searching for happiness and success for when we reach them, we don't realize that we actually did, have that big loud laugh of mine and have the power to run away whenever I feel that I need to.

:)

For what you've become....

Today, I was about to lose one of my oldest and best friends. She was standing there as agonized as ever, till she could not take it anymore and fell down. I could sense that death angel, that little bastard sneaking around and I could not move a limb. Was I getting too familiar with the scene? Have I become so used to the idea of having people leave in a blink of an eye? That all went through my God damned little mind after watching her slowly fading away.

I kept on reciting few Quranic verses trying to calm her down, or was I preparing her to meet her fate? It's hard to tell. I guess it was a deja vu after all. Luckily, God has granted me some of his mercy that night. She slowly came back to her senses and regained her consciousness. "That was close, Noha" I thought to myself and rushed into my room after storming the huge door. Once again, God was too merciful with me, the glass in the door did not break into pieces as I expected quickly. I opened my laptop, pretended that nothing happened, tried to check out my FB, Twitter, email and all that tech shit, put on my headphones, turned on the music.... turned it higher and higher, what was I trying to avoid?- I had no freaking idea. Some friend found me online and started talking. Being in that shitty situation, it was too hard for me to handle anything, I just stared at the screen, said nothing and burst into tears.

That's when I realized something has died inside of me..............

أول مرة.....

لسة كنت بفكر امبارح إن نشوة إنك تعمل حاجة لأول مرة متتقدرش بتمن، مش بس عشان تحس إنك بتعمل حاجة جديدة وتكسر بيها الروتين... لأ، بس عشان صعب إنك تنبهر بحاجة. أنا فاكرة كويس إني لما كنت طفلة، الكبار دول بالنسبة لي كانوا زي نجوم السينما، أشكال مختلفة.... أتعلم منهم حاجة أو حركة أو حتى كلمة جديدة. وشوش كانت بتضحك قدامي أو تبتسم عشان مجرد إني أضحك ويبهروني، مكانوش عارفين إنهم مش محتاجين يعملوا نفسهم بهلوانات قدامي لإني كنت بالفعل مسحورة بالعالم بتاعهم.

قعدت أفكر وأسرح في الذكريات الجميلة والبسيطة اللي كانت بتفرحني.....

لسة فاكرة أول مرة بابا أخدني فيها السينما مع أخويا، كانت سينما أمير في إسكندرية واتفرجنا على فيلم كرتون مش فاكراه...ز سينما أمير كانت أحسن سينما في الوقت ده. دلوقتي بعدي قدامها وبخاف أدخلها عشان مبقتش زي الأول، خدمة رديئة.... مفيش نظافة كافية والتذاكر بقت رخيصة بالنسبة للي موجود دلوقتي، بالعربي جمهورها مبقاش محترم زي زمان!

وبرده فاكرة إني في نفس اليوم اللي رحت في السينما ده، رحت جنينة الحيوانات وقعدت أأكل الفيل أبو زلومة والزرافة اللي لسة كأني شايفاها قدامي!

فاكرة أول مرة أمي ودتني مع أخويا مكتبة عامة، كانت في النادي! مكناش عارفين نتعامل في المكان الهادي النضيف ده، سحبنا كتب مش فاهمين بتقول ايه وقعدنا شوية وبعدين مشينا من غير ما نرجع الكتب لمكانها، أمي لما عرفت فضلت تأنب فينا وطلعنا اعتذرنا لأمينة المكتبة اللي كانت رقيقة قوي...

فاكرة أول مرة، بابا جه وقالي وهو منفعل "إنتي بطلتي تقري ليه؟؟؟؟ هو عشان كبرتي على ميكي وعلاء الدين، مش هتقري خلاص؟" وجابلي بعدها "حول العالم في 200 يوم".... كتاب ضخم بالنسبة لبنت عندها 11 سنة بس سحرني وقعدت طول أجازة الصيف أقرأ فيه وأنا بحلم باليوم اللي أسافر فيه اليابان :)

فاكرة أول مرة خرجت مع صاحبتي أتفسح من غير حد كبير يكون معانا، كنا في العجمي في الوقت ده واتفقنا نروح البيطاش.... كانت مكان "روش" في الوقت ده، محلات كتير وزحمة! جو مثالي لأي مراهقة... كنت رفيعة قوي الوقت ده، لما بشوف صوري أقول "أنا كنت أنفع عارضة أزياء" وأضحك.....

فاكرة أول مرة أكلت فيها McDonald's وكنت هرجع أصلاً، مكانش عاجبني خالص.... سبحان الله ع الإدمان اللي بقيت فيه!

فاكرة لما مكانش فيه الموبايل ده، كنت بمشي أدور في الشوارع على كابينة الميناتل عشان أكلم البيت أو حد من صحابي...

فاكرة برده أول مرة جبت فيها الموبايل وكنت فرحانة بيه قوي، كان على قد حاله وكان هدية... قعد معايا أكتر من 4 سنين... واحد صاحبي شافه قعد يتريق عليه ويضحك، ساعتها اتحرجت قوي وأصريت إني أحوش وأجيب واحد تاني، وحصل! بس دلوقتي بخبط دماغي في الحيط لإني مكنتش عارفة قيمة الموبايل، كان عليه ذكريات حلوة وكان بيفكرني بالشخص اللي جابهولي...

فاكرة أول مرة وقفت على مسرح المدرسة، كان عندي 5 سنين، كنت خايفة قوي وقعدت أدور على ماما عشان مكنتش شايفاها قدامي... الوضع مختلفش كتير، لسة برتعش ولسة بخاف!

فاكرة أول مرة مسكت قلم الروج بتاع ماما من وراها وحطيت منه ومسحته، هي طبعاً عرفت لما لقته مكسور، وكانت علقة محترمة!

فاكرة أول مسابقة رقص اشتركت فيها وكسبتها، كان عندي 12 سنة تقريباً، وكسبت الجايزة الأولي اللي كانت فطيرة مشلتتة **مسخرة، أنا عارفة** :D

فاكرة أول مرة حد قالي فيها "أنا معجب بيكي" كنت طايرة من الفرحة ساعتها، دلوقتي من كتر ما سمعتها، بقيت ابتسم ابتسامة صفرا وأرد بكل هدوء وأقول Merci وأكمل اللي كنت بعمله عادي ولا كأني سمعت حاجة :)

فاكرة أول فلوس أكسبها، كانوا 150 جنيه عشان ترجمت كام ورقة.... أخدت الفلوس ومشيت في الشارع كأني ملكة وبقيت خايفة ليقعوا مني ولا يتسرقوا... 150 جنيه يا جدعان!! 

فاكرة أول مرة اتنشرت قصة باسمي في مجلة غالباً محدش بيقراها... بس يوميها تخيلت إني ممكن في يوم أبقى كاتبة مشهورة وأكسب جايزة نوبل......

......................................................................................................................

Random!

Usually, my posts are random and are hard to predict. Today, I am happy. The next day, I am so freaking angry for some reason or because of someone. This post is just another random post gathering all my random ideas. I have just been discovering new things in people I have known for quite well. Have they changed? Or is it me who has changed and can see everything now clearly? Hmmm...

One of the newest discoveries is that sometimes people are just angry deep inside and instead of pouring out their ideas whether to a friend or like what I do and write my mind off, they just tend to bottle everything up, seclude themselves in a tiny dark dull cocoon. Instead of feeling better, they just grow angrier, sadder and more judgmental. For example, I have been dealing for a long while with the so-called "religious" fellas in Egypt, whether they are bearded, wearing Niqab or long Hijab, whether they have praying mark engraved on their dry foreheads or bragging every now and then about their Quran lessons. I have met them, all!

They have all belonged to different backgrounds, but most of them shared one single thing. ANGER! Unsmiling face with the tendency to bark at anyone saying or doing something against their "holly" principles.

"Is it their exaggerated and sometimes fake passion for religion that makes them behave in such an uncool way?" I thought once, till my own same mind struck me with a bizarre observation. "What is it that makes them think that they have the right to judge whether this is right or wrong?"

ًDo you know who you really are Ms. or Mr.? Just a sad little person with a lost soul who cannot find your way in life, what you're good at or what you want to become. So, religion was only your own sanctuary. It's an easy way out, right? Recite a few verses, pray 5 times a day, fast Ramadan and change a little about your appearance only to feel that you are respected or at least to convince yourself that you are better off than everyone else and thus you should be treated respectfully.

Am I right Monsieur or Madame "Religion is my way out"?