Reflections

R: "Are you still gonna work with him?"
Me: "Duh? Yeah! Why shouldn't I?"
R: "Oh, I thought you don't want to do that, now that there might be some personal clashes between you too."
Me: "True, there are. But, why I should let that affect our work?"
R: "Now, you're a promising businesswoman."
Me: "I AM a businesswoman :P"

That was a conversation with one of my friends about a year ago. With so many ups and downs going on, I remembered this excerpt as if we had that talk yesterday. Am I a promising businesswoman to-be like my friend implied? Or, am I turning into a heartless work machine?

I was just checking some photos of Alexandria I found on Facebook. Shots of old Alexandrian buildings, authentic restaurants and cafes and some of favorite streets. As enchanted as I was by such beautiful depiction of the magical city, I got a weird feeling of sorrow, bitterness and nostalgia.

"When was the last time I roamed around the old city?" I thought. Then, it occurred to me that it's been ages since I last did any of those sweet little things that made me truly happy. Walking aimlessly all day long, discovering new routes, shooting marvelous buildings, eating anything we could spot and laughing as if we were children... Yes, that was my life about 4 years ago. When, I totally cared about nothing. I talked too much, looked too dull but felt very cheerful with my pale innocent face bejeweled with corky braces and a shy smile. For hours, my friends and I stayed at that little Brazilian Coffee Shop in Salah Salem street, at a very uncomfortable table or even on very high stools at this little bar which left us no personal space when we wanted to have "girl talks". I met many interesting people; poets, singers, musicians, directors..., etc, most of which were excitingly disturbed human beings but who taught many things that I never knew before. For hours, we would gossip about every single creature we know, talk about guys whom, according to us back then, were absolute ass-holes. Then, we start giving one another our own pieces of twisted immature advice.

Well, yea, if it had not been for some stupid pieces of advice and some silly choices, I would not be laughing right now! But, it's not that carefree laugh anymore. There is always something on my mind. There is always something better to do. Like, right now, when I should be pouring out my ideas, I'm thinking about those emails I should be sending. It's been three years since I had any of favorite walks in downtown Alexandria. Instead, I go to the classiest places uptown where I always try to look my best to impress people I don't give a toss about. While looking at one of my old photos, I just could not believe that I would get shot without any blemish of makeup on. "Oh God, I looked hideous," I said.

Now, I have to think in advance about my outfit, accessories, makeup look and perfume I should be wearing. "Will this lipstick be too dark? Are these shoes perfect for walking or do I need to wear flats?" These are some of my silly ideas I think of on a regular basis nowadays.

"You're becoming a woman," mom said once when I revealed my concerns to her.

Maybe! But apart from that eggshell I'm hiding myself behind, I'm like a machine. On the good side, I don't have to put up with any source of annoyance anymore. I don't make excuses for people, don't expect much, and don't get upset unless I get provoked. That would be growing up. But, I guess that since most of us always look at that empty half, I keep on looking back for that childish girl I once was.

At so many points, I just want to press the "Pause" button and say a big "SCREW YOU" to the whole world. This morning, I had this strong urge to run out of the office, and go sit by the sea. But, then I remembered that I have to stay to impress my boss, at least till I pay my credit card dues, save money for this and that. I've become stuck in that dull adulthood life.

In other words, I'm FUCKED just like everyone else.

A Little Secret

One of my close friends with whom I usually share my dilemmas has given me the best piece of advice.

Every time I tell him about this thing or that person, he is always calm with a very confident attitude. Then, he spitted it out loud at last, saying:

Deal with whatever it is that bothers you like a princess. You ARE a princess, but you don't know that being super busy with being angry. Just bear that in mind and behave in this way. 

:)

On Love & Marriage

A couple of days ago, an old acquaintance of my family, who has not been in touch with us for years, has surfaced all of a sudden just to check out on us. Despite my young age, I've learnt that not so many people nowadays get in touch with you all of a sudden for noble reasons. They either want a favor or just try to see how life has been treating you. If you've become better off than before, or if you've had your share of misfortunes. In either cases, you're just a gossip-material. In either cases, you will be subjected to endless comparisons and questionings, and it's all out of curiosity. Love, kindness and friendship? They are all good values which are gradually losing their meanings in this highly-materialistic society.

Mom started reciting the conversation she had with that old acquaintance. Bored as I have always been, I was not paying much attention. Pretending to listen, staring at the TV screen and nodding as if I was keeping track of everything mom was passionately saying out of excitement or out of sarcastic amusement as she, too, knew the real reasons behind such pop-up calls.

"She asked me about you," mom said. I started to pay attention and give up my "active-listening" act. "What about me?" I answered right away wanting to know how I could be a juicy topic for another simple-minded person. She said "Gawezty el bet?" -(Did you get the girl married?)- mom said bluntly with a sneaky smirk on her face as she knew exactly that such an irrelevant question would push my buttons.

"Bet? I have a name, don't I?" I replied nervously. "Probably, she forgot your name ya Noha!" mom answered and tried to act indifferently innocent. Again, she was pushing more buttons. I took the bait and became more agitated. "Well, how kind of her! She's checking out on a girl whom she does not remember her name just to see if she got married or not. Classy!" I said in addition to many other lecturing stuff that I can barely remember.

As she always knew exactly how to divert my mood, mom swiftly laughed off the whole matter, made fun of the silly woman and convinced me to disregard the nosy questions. But still, I am angry. I have realized, all of a sudden, that no matter how successful I might be, I'd be always regarded as a big flop if I don't get married or at least engaged. This is real success for women in my society. You might be a top-notch CEO in a multinational company, but if you are still single or even divorced, you are a damned failure.

That not-so-nice woman, according to my own perceptions, has not even asked whether I have a good job, enjoying my life or feeling happy. She just asked about my relationship status! On the other hand, when she asked about my brother, she did not check about his matters of the heart. She just said, "Did he graduate yet?" It is no secret to my family or friends that my brother's academics is not his best field of interest. But, the trick here was the gender. A boy, or a man in this context, is judged by his academic success. A girl, no matter how smart, ambitious and successful, is judged by her marital status. According to that woman's, or even the society's, standards, mom has done a really awful job bringing us up. She has a 24-year-old single girl and a 22-year old son who is still a student.

I left mom's room, headed to my laptop and started emailing, texting and tweeting, trying to forget what everyone thinks of me. I was trying to see myself in my true colors not through anyone's shades. What if I get married, have kids and feel completely unloved and unhappy? Would everyone regard me as successful then? What if I get married, have  a dozen of kids, bring them up, end my career and then discover that I have no future of my own? Would everyone care then about my well-being and see me as a great lady? Being a wife and a caring mother is a shameless job. On the contrary, both are very noble jobs. I would personally be absolutely satisfied if I got to manage it all. But, what if I have not met the right person? Shall I risk all the good things in my life that I thankfully have and get into a shaky relationship just to please everyone else according to their not-so-convincing standards? If I am a loser by Egyptian criteria, then I guess I'm a very proud loser.

Jazzy Night

It's been a long while since I last listened to some Jazz music that captivated my soul. Luckily, I stumpled upon Melody Gardot..... she is surreal!

When....

When your worst fears become the reality you can't escape. You have made a lot of excuses for your misfortunes and tried to look at the bright side and convince yourself that things would be better. In the end, disappointment keeps on knocking on your door to grab you back to the ugly truth you didn't want to see.

About....

About those gatherings and endless meaningless meetings at that little cafe where we discussed the most trivial details of our charity events which made us believe that we could actually change the world.

About that long corridor where we sat on its floor for hours waiting for the next lecture doing nothing but listening to boring conversations, but still we felt happy.

About those long walks we had in that alluring street just to grab a book or two from our favorite library back then. They were surely long, but all we cared about was the beautiful scent of those huge trees over there.

About those filthy sneakers we always had on to the extent that we could not walk in heels for so long. We looked shabby, but felt invincible!

About those cheap fragrance testers we used to buy and brag about.

About those window displays that looked so glamorous and out-of-reach.

About that joyful spirit we had.

About that day when we glided over the shaky rocks, took off our shoes and soaked our skinny feet in the deep blue sea. We giggled shamelessly and did not give a toss about the world!

About the future that seemed certain, predictable and purely simple.

About the dreams that were merely innocent.........

Post-Revolution Egypt

So, here we are. Another bloody Friday with its non-stop protests going into vicious circles; everyone seems to know his/her place quite well and play his/her part. For protesters, they are on streets protesting and fighting for a future and a country they have only seen in their dreams. Soldiers and officers are all set with their tear-gas bombs, pistols and tanks. They, too, have been fighting for a long while. A better status, recognition or even power, one cannot tell precisely in such hard blurry times. Politicians and Strategic Experts are all scattered in TV broadcast, on Facebook or even Twitter, pointing fingers and making wonders to show how philosophical and eloquent they can be. Striving for freedom? Still, no one can really tell. Others, millions, are just watching this constant battle that has been going on for almost two years till now. They are just waiting for the end to see who will win over, get the long-awaited throne and become the new Pharaoh. "Why don't they get into the streets too? Are they a bunch of ignorant, coward and dreamless fellas?" You might wonder. Maybe, they all that. Or even worse! They may have been there once, yes, on the streets, fighting for these noble values, but they had to let go and lose hope. They might have had enough with that scene and its backstage dirty games and realized that they, in both cases, are just mere marionettes.

May Truth Prevail!