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"J'ecris pour me decouvrir."- a French writer

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Milestone

What is the true value of life if you live it without learning? What is your brain good for, if you just try to ignore its voice of wisdom and keep on making the same mistakes that you have always been doing?

There must be certain stages in your life, where you shall stop whatever it is that you are doing and assess your actions, your relationships and your future steps. Of course, it is important to look ahead, however it's more crucial to assess your previous actions. In this way, you can have a clearer image of your future.

I call such stages, where you stop and think, "Milestones". I have just had a milestone last week. It was my birthday, when I saw almost everyone in his/her true colors.

On that day, I knew who cared for me, who is trying to know me better and who have been acting and faking for a very long time.

I used to believe that when I do a good dead, I do it because it should be done. However, it occurred to me that a very few people really think this way. People make favors to others because of interests and only INTERESTS.

I am not saying that I will be like everybody else. But, maybe I will not feel hurt when I get a cold text message next year from a supposedly good friend saying, "Happy Birthday Noha."

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Nostalgia

I wish I were 1 year old again. When I look at the photos of my first birthday party, I cry silently. Everything was wonderful then. All the people I loved were around me; my father, my grand parents and my dearest uncle. When I look at those pictures I can see love in their eyes. On that day, all they cared about was to make me happy. For once in my life as far as I remember, the world was revolving around me. I'm telling you, it feels good. I wonder about that kind of love. I wonder what they loved me for. Well, I guess for myself. I, myself, was carefree. My eyes were as clear as crystal. You can see no hatred, no pessimism, nothing rotten in them. It was mere innocence inside them. I miss my old eyes. I wish I were one again.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Beauty Is in the Eyes of the Beholder

Today, I was in Cairo for just two hours, for work as usual. When I think about Cairo, I have very contradictory thoughts. Sometimes, I feel that it's an exciting place with many destinations to hang in. However, I tend to think right away of people's weird attitude there, pollution, dirty streets and most notably traffic jams.

Anyway, I said to myself, "What da heck?" I thought that it would be a great chance for me to enhance my mood, chill out a little bit and learn of course new skills that would prove to be of high significance for my job.

There I was in the shaky train, I sat there in a very uncomfortable seat for more than two hours, just to get to my "beloved" Cairo. Once you step out of your train, car, bus or even a plane, you can't help but notice the difference. Well, I gotta say, you notice the BIG difference between stiff Cairo and flirty Alexandria. Everything starting from the stifling atmosphere to people aggressiveness. What a pain in the neck?

The meeting was out of Cairo. You would better say that it's in the desert. A boring and long way I had to put up with. Thank God there was a car.

That's when I thanked God that I live in Alexandria and I work there too. At least when I go for a walk, I see people with nice smiley faces, somewhat good clean streets and breath taking views over the Mediterranean. In Alexandria, you do not need to worry about whether you will see the sea because of cloudy misty weather. Here, there is sunshine.

Yet, I am cool with all of Cairo's flaws. However, what I could never tolerate EVER is people's denial of their city's very clear defects.

I have met a Cairo citizen, and I was surprised that he doesn't think very highly of Alexandria. I am not an Alex fanatic, but I was like "Huh? Are you kidding me?"

People, there are certain things, people and places that you could not help but fall in love with. Alexandria is one of those things.

But I guess after all, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Ooops, I'm 22!

I must have been drunk when I once said, "I wanna grow up." Seriously, I had no idea. I know that when I'm 40, for instance, and read this post, I will laugh out loud at my idiocy and say "I was surely blessed with many good things."

I am just a typical human being, or I'd rather say a typical woman, who is always afraid of getting old and losing my charm. Well, c'est la vie!

Mom always says I'm blessed with many wonderful things she wishes she had had. When I ask her, "What were you going to do if you had had everything you say I have? She always says, "Many things," well I need to know what kind of things she would have made, maybe I will get some sort of inspiration.

Yes. I'm 22. It's not that bad after all. I'm enjoying my life to some extent. At least, some people think that my life is exciting. That must ring a bell for me.

When I turned 21, I had loads of aspirations. I remember my Facebook status at that time. It stated, "No more guardians...No more threats. I'm 21 and that's it!" I still remember the comments very well. One of my friends said, "In your dreams," which was kinda pessimistic, yet it was surely realistic.

A year ago, I thought that I would be Miss Liberty. I wanted to get my own passport and I wanted to travel abroad on my own to discover the world according to what I want. Of course, it was all "in my dreams." Yet, I grew much wiser. In a year, I met many people who have changed everything about me. Change is good, but sometimes I feel like I totally changed. To the better, or the worse? I have no clue.

On my 21st birthday, I made two wishes and they both came true. This year, I'm afraid of making a wish.

A friend always says, "Be careful what you wish for," and she is damn right. I will not wish for anything and let myself go with the flow.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Oh Shit!

I have just got some news 10 minutes ago and I'm in a total shock. I guess this is the first time I write when I'm totally emotional. But once I heard the news, I couldn't resist. I needed to shout and cry. I know that no one would understand why I am so upset. The point is I'm hurt.

It's not that I feel hurt because of those two people whom I considered friends. People don't bother me anymore. It seems like I am fully convinced that sooner or later someone will hurt me someday somewhere. This time, I feel in pain because of myself. It's me.

I have let so many people take advantage of me simply by being idiot and silly. I believed in people. I trusted them. What do I get? Suffering and pain, and I never learn. If I was stupid once when I let such bastards hurt me or even betray me, then I would be even more stupid to blame them when it was me in the first place who gave them such a jaw dropping opportunity to play me and fool me around.

Mom was just talking to me with blank indifferent eyes and said, "Why are you even surprised?" Why am I even surprised? I wonder why? I said nothing. I didn't even look at her afraid that she might see the tears in my eyes, switched off the lights of her bedroom, and wished her a good night sleep.


Is it me who is becoming so sensitive? Or is it people who are becoming so insensitive?

WOW! Keep it up people! Keep on doing what you have been doing, maybe I will get the lesson.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

My Tender Years

For some people, it seems weird that my life has always been linked to good music. Yea, it sounds weird but it's kinda sweet, especially when you listen to a certain song and remember the first time you heard it, what you were doing and who you were with. I know people who are attached to music like me. Sometimes, good music make you feel more optimistic, hopeful and nostalgic to the sweet past.

Whenever you face a dilemma, you turn on a fantastic song and you chill. No matter how pissed off you might feel, you just listen and lay everything off your shoulders.

That's how I get on with my life. Even when I have been through the worst, I turn on the PC and listen to my collection of good songs. That is when I create a whole new world of my own, where everything is bright, where everyone is nice and sweet and where I see myself as a different and better person.

There are other times when I listen to a certain song and I feel some pain. That is when I remember things or people whom I used to attach to such songs. I miss those people and those things I used to have. Well, I guess it is all part of our nature as human beings. We only look for the things we don't have anymore and we long for those people who were close to us once in our lives. We tend to beautify the past and sweeten it. Maybe it is all because we want to convince ourselves that our present conditions are not that good and we had better days, or we need a reason to justify our constant anger and pain.

Today, I was just creating another play-list on my YouTube channel. I entitled it "Tender Years". Some of the songs are not that brilliant, but every time I listen to them I feel good. I remember the first cassette my late dad brought home. It was for Ragheb Alama. I still remember how my parents were so eager to listen to the songs. Now, when I look back, I can see that they you were pleased by very mundane things.

I can still remember those rainy nights and how Alexandria looked so glowing when I watched it when I was with dad in his car. We were all together. We were happy and I felt so secure. I have not got that feeling for a long time.

Yes, sometimes I miss some people and crave for the sweet memories. However, I remind myself right away that at least I was lucky enough to have such sweet memories and meet some people who drew a smile on my face even for seconds.

I love you my sweet "tender" years.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

My Solitude

Sometimes solitude is good. Yea, it is, especially when you need to have a clear head, enjoy the atmosphere all around you, look back and analyze every little detail that you might ignore in the past. I am always a busy person with a hectic routine that I spend either making phone calls, chatting, reading, or WORKING.

Ramadan is just about to come to an end and it was pretty fruitful for me. It was not that spiritual fruitful, I must admit. However, it was full of life, and new thrilling experiences. Then, it occurred to me that I need to shut up and listen. "Shshshshs..," I want to hear myself. Amid the business and nuisance, you need to watch, observe and think. When you are dazzled by the crowds and the great joys you feel when you are with your friends and family, you need serenity more than ever.

And there came my chance, my family was heading out for an Iftar, each with his/her friends. They kept on inviting me to join them, however they didn't push it as usual and left me alone. It is a bit sad to have you Iftar on your own in an empty house. "The glass is half full ya Noha," that's what I kept on telling myself. "I got you your meal out of the fridge, just heat beforehand, Okay?" mom said and I was nodding with an evil smile as if I was saying, "I'm a grownup for God's sake, don't worry about me."

They all left after saying dozens of goodbyes as if they were traveling abroad. "Home Alone!" I thought to myself. "Finally, I'm ALONE," I can assure you that I was so ecstatic. I turned off my cell phone, unplugged the land line and switched off all the lights and distracting appliances. It was Nature and me. The Maghrib prayer was very close. The dining room was so dull and depressing. I decided to have my Iftar in the balcony. Crazy as it sounds, it was just like heaven.

A great view over a wide garden with blossoming trees, what else do I need? I got the food out of the oven, got a bottle of water, and that was it. I stretched my legs over a chair and waited. "Allaho Akbar," the Sheikh called for the prayer and I sipped some water. Luckily, the bottle still smelt of apple cider. I closed it right away afraid that it might lose its beautiful sweet odor.

On that day, I didn't eat much. I realized that I was surrounded by so much charm and beauty. "What was I thinking? How shall I be depressed or even out of the mood when life is full of great things?" that's what I thought.

And I guess I am right. Thank you my sweet solitude for opening my eyes and helping me get over so many troubles and think clearly.