Cut the Crap

Till when shall I fight myself? Till when will I keep on hiding the real me? Till when will I be afraid of expressing my emotions?

Will I ever make amends with myself? Will I ever take off those phony masks that I keep on wearing like a clown just to please everyone but myself? Will it be too late to do that?

I want to rediscover myself again. I want to remember the true human being inside me. Sometimes, I cannot, not because I am not willing to do so. But, sometimes I feel like I forgot the true genuine me. I have been addicted to wearing masks, like everybody else, just like every other clown. But I am not determined to sell my soul. I have the will, but I have no idea about what is keeping me from doing so.
Why am I so paralyzed?

Is it the fear of being judged? Is it the fear of being thought of as a fragile human being? Well, I guess that I’ll be fragile if I keep on wearing the God damned superwoman mask. I guess that I’m too fragile already when I fear the change.
To hell with everybody!!

Nobody will care about me, if I don’t give a damn about myself.

It’s time to take off the makeup. It’s time to take off the clown’s disguise.
I’m not a God damn superwoman. I’m a real woman. I am not ashamed to say that. On the contrary, I am so proud. I can be sweet, nice and even an angel. However, I can get ugly and nasty. I can be very jealous, competitive and vengeful. Yes, I can, and I have the right to say so. I will never draw another fake smile on my face and say: “It’s Ok.” I have emotions that need to be expressed, and I will express them no matter what the consequences will be.

I have cared about others for so long, but I will not take it anymore. I will never be a doormat. It is time to live for myself. If people will judge me, let them do so. So what? They will judge me any way. They are just like me. They need to be frank and honest with themselves. They have to look at themselves in the mirror too. They have to realize that they must stop acting like emotionless robots.

I have been packing everything deep inside, but I will never do that anymore. So, CUT THE CRAP.

Panic Attack

A friend and I were talking yesterday about a topic that has always been a source of anxiety for everybody, men and women. We were talking about relationships. Well, it was me who was talking about that. Actually, my friend doesn't care much about that. She just wants to live like a free a bird without "burdens".

Well, to some extent I guess that she's somewhat right, especially when I see all of those heartbreaks and dilemmas that many couples experience nowadays. I have always been free like a bird. Not a single relationship, can you believe it? Oh, yeah. Not a single one, and I feel free.

Of course, sometimes, I want to find my other half. I don't wanna end up like an old angry spinster. I wanna enjoy my life to the extreme. I guess that we all want to. So, what is the problem? If I want someone to pat on my shoulder when I feel down and tell me, "Everything is gonna be fine," or "I'm here for you," where is the problem?

I guess it's me after all. Every time I feel that there is someone who might be slightly interested in knowing me better, I push him away.

I wasn't aware of that problem till very late, when you just sit by yourself all alone and begin the questioning phase.

Yes, I have a problem. Maybe this is due to fear. God! I have lost many dear people to my heart. I don't wanna be hurt again.

I guess that I have to overcome my fears if I wanna find my other half.