On Love & Marriage

A couple of days ago, an old acquaintance of my family, who has not been in touch with us for years, has surfaced all of a sudden just to check out on us. Despite my young age, I've learnt that not so many people nowadays get in touch with you all of a sudden for noble reasons. They either want a favor or just try to see how life has been treating you. If you've become better off than before, or if you've had your share of misfortunes. In either cases, you're just a gossip-material. In either cases, you will be subjected to endless comparisons and questionings, and it's all out of curiosity. Love, kindness and friendship? They are all good values which are gradually losing their meanings in this highly-materialistic society.

Mom started reciting the conversation she had with that old acquaintance. Bored as I have always been, I was not paying much attention. Pretending to listen, staring at the TV screen and nodding as if I was keeping track of everything mom was passionately saying out of excitement or out of sarcastic amusement as she, too, knew the real reasons behind such pop-up calls.

"She asked me about you," mom said. I started to pay attention and give up my "active-listening" act. "What about me?" I answered right away wanting to know how I could be a juicy topic for another simple-minded person. She said "Gawezty el bet?" -(Did you get the girl married?)- mom said bluntly with a sneaky smirk on her face as she knew exactly that such an irrelevant question would push my buttons.

"Bet? I have a name, don't I?" I replied nervously. "Probably, she forgot your name ya Noha!" mom answered and tried to act indifferently innocent. Again, she was pushing more buttons. I took the bait and became more agitated. "Well, how kind of her! She's checking out on a girl whom she does not remember her name just to see if she got married or not. Classy!" I said in addition to many other lecturing stuff that I can barely remember.

As she always knew exactly how to divert my mood, mom swiftly laughed off the whole matter, made fun of the silly woman and convinced me to disregard the nosy questions. But still, I am angry. I have realized, all of a sudden, that no matter how successful I might be, I'd be always regarded as a big flop if I don't get married or at least engaged. This is real success for women in my society. You might be a top-notch CEO in a multinational company, but if you are still single or even divorced, you are a damned failure.

That not-so-nice woman, according to my own perceptions, has not even asked whether I have a good job, enjoying my life or feeling happy. She just asked about my relationship status! On the other hand, when she asked about my brother, she did not check about his matters of the heart. She just said, "Did he graduate yet?" It is no secret to my family or friends that my brother's academics is not his best field of interest. But, the trick here was the gender. A boy, or a man in this context, is judged by his academic success. A girl, no matter how smart, ambitious and successful, is judged by her marital status. According to that woman's, or even the society's, standards, mom has done a really awful job bringing us up. She has a 24-year-old single girl and a 22-year old son who is still a student.

I left mom's room, headed to my laptop and started emailing, texting and tweeting, trying to forget what everyone thinks of me. I was trying to see myself in my true colors not through anyone's shades. What if I get married, have kids and feel completely unloved and unhappy? Would everyone regard me as successful then? What if I get married, have  a dozen of kids, bring them up, end my career and then discover that I have no future of my own? Would everyone care then about my well-being and see me as a great lady? Being a wife and a caring mother is a shameless job. On the contrary, both are very noble jobs. I would personally be absolutely satisfied if I got to manage it all. But, what if I have not met the right person? Shall I risk all the good things in my life that I thankfully have and get into a shaky relationship just to please everyone else according to their not-so-convincing standards? If I am a loser by Egyptian criteria, then I guess I'm a very proud loser.

Jazzy Night

It's been a long while since I last listened to some Jazz music that captivated my soul. Luckily, I stumpled upon Melody Gardot..... she is surreal!

When....

When your worst fears become the reality you can't escape. You have made a lot of excuses for your misfortunes and tried to look at the bright side and convince yourself that things would be better. In the end, disappointment keeps on knocking on your door to grab you back to the ugly truth you didn't want to see.